Coming On Back; All Them Worries

It’s been a time since I’ve blogged. Lack of time, can be the blame, along with lack of focus.

Blogging is something I’ve wanted to come back to, something to help me sort my thoughts, collect writing and art that I’ve been working on, and maybe lay out my worries.

And, you know, Corona virus happened, so this is just as good a time for that as any.

It hit me today that this thing is real. I mean, I knew it was real, I know it’s been hurting people, that we’ve needed better response to it. But today it hit me as a thing that’s going to affect me, what I do, how I live, for some time. The Museum of Science closed right before I was going to take my kid there, and even if it hadn’t I was beginning to wonder if that plan was something I should follow through with. I’m not going to take her to her swim class that she likes (and that I’ve paid for) because it doesn’t seem right. I went to the gym before I realized, I should not be here, and I turned around and left. My work could close. Schools have closed and so my daughter’s daycare might follow along, and what do I do without a two day break in between?

(What’s bonkers is I know I wouldn’t be freaking out so much if I didn’t have a kid. I’d be mildly excited for the excuse to lie on the couch and read and play too much Pokemon for my health. But now I have this tiny person to take care of and entertain and I’m like “Aaaaah what do I do with a day??”)

When the worry hit I pulled out a notebook and made a list. Everything to do with my kid that doesn’t involve 12 hours of TV a day. It was easy to make the list long — there really is so much to do! — but I needed that list, to calm myself down, so I can return to it when I inevitably feel frustrated (as I get even when leaving the house is an option) and so I can feel a little bit in control as normal things slip away from me.

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I hope I’m doing the right things, I hope I’m staving off a real break down, I hope I can feel like things are normal soon.

And I really, really hope I can just stop touching my freaking face.

Stressing Out, Lightening Up

I’ve been feeling brittle, emotionally. Nothing particularly bad has happened, just all the little things adding up and putting their own tiny weight on my anxiety, so that I don’t realize it’s ready to break until it’s near happening.

Just like the little things stress me out, the little things lighten the load.

I got my library copy of I Hate Fairyland vol. 4 by Skottie Young. Nothing like candy-colored massacre to cheer anyone up.

Cheryl Strayed’s soothing voice giving advice on Dear Sugars. She and Steve Almond released their last episode, but I think I’ll go back and listen to some of the ones I missed.

My baby toddler dancing to the concert scene in Sing. It is a sight.

This closeup picture I accidentally took of the wood on our deck. It was a pleasure to find on my phone when I was flipping through videos of my dog and kid.

And writing. Anything I can get it, getting out a chapter while she naps, scribbling a few sentences in my car before walking into work, madly typing up a blog post after she’s gone down for the night and I’ve finally finished those chores.

My Daughter: A Collector, Like Her Mother Before Her

I am overly fond of collecting things.

There were My Little Ponies. Garfield comics. Beanie Babies, of course. Once I had one of the things, I needed all of them to go with it.

My mother tried to focus me sometimes. For a little while I tried collecting little ceramic animals. At the store, I picked up a whale, an otter, a racoon…

“Why don’t you try collecting certain ones?” my mother asked me. “Just collect the ocean animals.”

I paused, my stomach twisting. I did what she said, because it was logical, because she was right. But it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

I wanted them all.

I’m an adult, now, and I still feel it. My sister-in-law bought me a Disney Starbucks “I Am Here Mug” for my birthday once, the EPCOT one. I love it, just like she knew I would. But there’s a little twinge in my heart when I look at it. Because I don’t have the rest of them.

And I need them.

My daughter is barely 1 and 1/2. She doesn’t understand that certain things go together. But she’s beginning to gather. This past week she picked up every little acorn she found on her grandparents’ porch, and toted them around the house in greedy little fists. She fished through a clear vase full of sea glass, picking out only the deep dark blues. She is beginning to collect, and even though I fear for the space in our already overly-cluttered little house, but I’m also excited by this new part of her personality she’s showing, this little girl who is so amazing and special and yet sometimes just like me.

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Movies My Daughter Has Watched: Quick Review

Here are some movies my daughter has been obsessed with.

Secret Life of Pets. Cute jokes about pets, but by the 500th viewing you start to realize that the plot makes little sense and you can’t understand how the characters move around. What is the rabbit’s actual goal? How did that guinea pig stuck in the vents make it into a different building? Why didn’t Katie properly introduce two strange dogs before leaving them alone together for what has to be the longest workday I’ve ever seen? According to my toddler, though, this movie has everything: it has dogs, it’s got, well…more dogs. She is in. To. It.

Trolls. I’m going to admit — I enjoyed this. I liked the songs, I liked that everything looks like it’s made out of felt, I even liked the crazy story. It was just fun. There’s been no big demand from miss baby, though, so we haven’t rewatched yet.

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Mary and the Witch’s Flower. Baby’s first anime! I wanted to watch it, and I put it on thinking she’d ignore it. Instead she pointed excitedly at the screen whenever a cat or some other animal showed up, and in between seemed like she was actually watching the movie. Mama’s little girl is an anime fan; guess the apple really doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

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Moana. Songs: check. Beautiful water: check. Adorable pig: double check. My daughter claps when the end title slams on the screen, as if in appreciation, and she’s made a enough lilting sounds during the musical numbers to convince me she’s trying to sing.

Most of the Way to Sleep

I finish nursing her for the night. Sleepily she reaches for her pacifier. I help her plug it in her mouth, and she settles in my arm as I open Llama Llama Red Pajama for the hundredth, three-hundredth time.

I read, but I’ve memorized the book, so I also watch her. She tugs gently, purposefully at her curls. Her eyes close, but she isn’t quite asleep. She shifts a little at each page turn, and when I finish and bring her to my shoulder, she lifts her head and looks at me. I finish a song, kiss her face, and place her in her bed as she reaches for it, milk and words already lulling her most of the way to sleep.

Go Get Gardening

Every year I like to put a tremendous amount of effort into growing vegetables only to inevitably watch half of them die, or go to rot because I don’t pick them fast enough, or be overcome by weeds that grow back like hydra heads when I pluck them. It’s fun (?) for me. Out in the sun, earbuds in, digging holes and getting lost in myself for a little bit.

Except…

Now I look up at every small sound from the toddler a few feet away. I pat the ground with my shovel as small hands come up beside me and do the same. I shift her small body around, keeping those tiny, unknowingly careless feet from crushing a small plant, only to cause her to fall back in frustration and crush something else entirely.

Even if I wait for her to sleep, I’m constantly checking the monitor, making sure she doesn’t need me, that I didn’t miss something while I did this thing for myself.

Choosing my plants has shifted too. Cucumbers and tomatoes made it into my cart like always, but I also picked watermelons, and peppers, which I do not like, but my daughter does. She’ll get to see them grow, and pick them for herself.

My head is too full of her, and even gardening isn’t something I can do entirely alone anymore. Like so much else of my life it has changed, shifted–but certainly not into anything bad.

Bonus Content: John Green also just made a video about gardening, and after an amusingly roundabout way of saying gardens don’t save any money, declared that he highly recommends it.