It’s been a time since I’ve blogged. Lack of time, can be the blame, along with lack of focus.
Blogging is something I’ve wanted to come back to, something to help me sort my thoughts, collect writing and art that I’ve been working on, and maybe lay out my worries.
And, you know, Corona virus happened, so this is just as good a time for that as any.
It hit me today that this thing is real. I mean, I knew it was real, I know it’s been hurting people, that we’ve needed better response to it. But today it hit me as a thing that’s going to affect me, what I do, how I live, for some time. The Museum of Science closed right before I was going to take my kid there, and even if it hadn’t I was beginning to wonder if that plan was something I should follow through with. I’m not going to take her to her swim class that she likes (and that I’ve paid for) because it doesn’t seem right. I went to the gym before I realized, I should not be here, and I turned around and left. My work could close. Schools have closed and so my daughter’s daycare might follow along, and what do I do without a two day break in between?
(What’s bonkers is I know I wouldn’t be freaking out so much if I didn’t have a kid. I’d be mildly excited for the excuse to lie on the couch and read and play too much Pokemon for my health. But now I have this tiny person to take care of and entertain and I’m like “Aaaaah what do I do with a day??”)
When the worry hit I pulled out a notebook and made a list. Everything to do with my kid that doesn’t involve 12 hours of TV a day. It was easy to make the list long — there really is so much to do! — but I needed that list, to calm myself down, so I can return to it when I inevitably feel frustrated (as I get even when leaving the house is an option) and so I can feel a little bit in control as normal things slip away from me.
I hope I’m doing the right things, I hope I’m staving off a real break down, I hope I can feel like things are normal soon.
And I really, really hope I can just stop touching my freaking face.